By: Kathy Hubbard
“The challenge for many people is to speak about their feelings after the death of a child,” Tami Feyen, RN, manager of Bonner Community Hospice said. “If you haven’t gone through it, you can’t imagine what it’s like.”
We were talking about the “tree” with the heart-shaped “leaves” that “grows” in the Children’s Healing Garden. This memorial, designed by artist Betty Gardner was installed in 2019 with the idea that people who had lost a child would have a comforting place to come to remember their loved one(s). Unfortunately, the plan to hold an annual celebration of life was thwarted for a few years during the pandemic.
On Tuesday, May 20 at 4 p.m. at the Healing Garden, which is situated just north of Bonner General Health, the Third Annual Celebration of Life will occur, and the public is invited to attend. Feyen said that there will be a short ceremony, music, and each participant will have the opportunity to say their child’s name out loud.
“This is an opportunity for everyone to gather to honor the families who’ve lost a child, whether as an infant or adult,” Feyen said. “If someone is interested in having a leaf put on the tree, a $75 donation to Hospice will insure that happens. It’s a gift that lasts forever. Friends gift this for friends.”
Feyen and I talked a bit about the grieving process and how, for so many, it seems to be unsurmountable and lengthy. She stressed that Hospice is always there to help people through the journey.
The truth is that grief never leaves. After a while, it just takes a back seat to everyday life and then jumps up and smacks you in the face when you least expect it.
Paula Stephens, MA, has written quite a bit about her experiences after her oldest son died. She holds a master’s degree in exercise physiology and is a certified wellness coach. I found her on www.mygriefandloss.org’s website. She said that it took her four and a half years before she attended a support group.
“Losing a child is the loneliest, most desolate journey a person can take, and the only people who can come close to appreciating it are those who share the experience. The [support group] facilitator opened the meeting by saying that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay. Well, he couldn’t be more correct: No one wants to belong to this group,” she said.
“Often, when we know someone else is experiencing grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching it head-on. But we parents want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was.
“If you see something that reminds you of my child, tell me. If you are reminded at the holidays or on his birthday that I am missing my son, please tell me you remember him. And when I speak his name or relive memories, relive them with me; don’t shrink away. If you never met my son, don’t be afraid to ask about him. One of my greatest joys is talking about him,” Stephens explained.
If you’ve lost a loved one and would like or need to talk to someone, don’t wait, contact Hospice at 208-265-1179. My heart goes out to all who grieve.
Kathy Hubbard is a member of the Bonner General Health Foundation Advisory Council. She can be reached at kathyleehubbard@yahoo.com. This article was written for publication in the Bonner County Daily Bee on May 14, 2025.
